Honesty and fresh starts

I had a rocky time of it over the last few months. I don’t really know why, but I spent much of the summer down, having trouble motivating to care much about things, or to be creative (with anything from cooking to clothes). I was (am?) snappish and impatient and generally not a great person, I’m afraid. Do you ever have blue periods that are hard to kick yourself out of? Part of my problem has definitely been this awkward transition age, as T spent July and August becoming a toddler (all that mobility, all that willpower, all the times each day that I have to tell him “no”). For a while I became obsessed with finding somewhere to move to (clearly it’s the three flights of stairs that are making me miserable), but the hunt was even more depressing and made me a little crazy, to boot. One of my best mom-friends moved away at the very beginning of the summer and I found days (weeks) going by where all my play-time with T was just the two of us, and I got really lonely.

I’ve generally been a pretty content person, or at least not a depressive one, so it was really hard for me to figure out how to react to a general sensation of unhappiness that followed me around for a sustained period. Of course there were plenty of individual moments/hours/days that were great, but it was a switch for my baseline to be achingly blue, instead of bumbling along relatively happy. Whatever has caused it, I need to move on now.

The last few weeks brought a lot of joy: T’s first birthday, the birth of a most beloved friend’s gorgeous little girl, a great vacation in New Hampshire with good friends, periods of weather, new boots. Fall is coming–my favorite time for fresh starts–and I’m looking hard at how I move through life and how I can be better and do more. I’m trying to declutter, get organized, etc.

New Hampshire:
I missed waking up to this view, this morning. #vacationsover

Boots!
After years in boots w actual holes in them, finally committed to a new pair. Now I need it to not be 82 out. #readyforfall

On the organization front here’s a gross grey cloud with a shiny silver lining: We suffered a horrifying infestation of pantry moths in late August, and while repulsive, the experience forced a very thorough deep-cleaning, organizing, and purging of the pantry. It’s now mostly devoid of food, so as we head into fall I’m going to try to be more thoughtful in what I bring in and how I use it to avoid waste. (Ugh, we threw out so much food. Blargh.)

Pantry

5 thoughts on “Honesty and fresh starts”

  1. I think what you are describing is how soooooo many women feel the first year of their first baby’s life. It’s so hard, and it is really lonely a lot of the time. And then you feel so guilty for not loving every second. I have a 2 year old and I have to say it for me it got better every month after one, but it got dramatically better after 18 months. One tip, you may already know this, but there’s a great indoor playground, http://indooroutdoorplayground.com/, hopefully that will help you survive the winter! Good luck! -Kate

  2. Kate- I love your blog and read this one through the one at Fit Pregnancy, where we’ve chatted a couple of times. I hope this fall does bring you a fresh start- I agree with Kate that a lot of mothers feel this way! I work outside the home 40 hours a week and there are times in the morning where I’m looking forward to taking my son to daycare so I can have a break- at work! It feels horrible to admit, but I think all moms struggle to keep up with all their responsibilities, not feel guilty and actually squeeze some fun for themselves in there as well. Love the boots!

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