I had a rocky time of it over the last few months. I don’t really know why, but I spent much of the summer down, having trouble motivating to care much about things, or to be creative (with anything from cooking to clothes). I was (am?) snappish and impatient and generally not a great person, I’m afraid. Do you ever have blue periods that are hard to kick yourself out of? Part of my problem has definitely been this awkward transition age, as T spent July and August becoming a toddler (all that mobility, all that willpower, all the times each day that I have to tell him “no”). For a while I became obsessed with finding somewhere to move to (clearly it’s the three flights of stairs that are making me miserable), but the hunt was even more depressing and made me a little crazy, to boot. One of my best mom-friends moved away at the very beginning of the summer and I found days (weeks) going by where all my play-time with T was just the two of us, and I got really lonely.
I’ve generally been a pretty content person, or at least not a depressive one, so it was really hard for me to figure out how to react to a general sensation of unhappiness that followed me around for a sustained period. Of course there were plenty of individual moments/hours/days that were great, but it was a switch for my baseline to be achingly blue, instead of bumbling along relatively happy. Whatever has caused it, I need to move on now.
The last few weeks brought a lot of joy: T’s first birthday, the birth of a most beloved friend’s gorgeous little girl, a great vacation in New Hampshire with good friends, periods of weather, new boots. Fall is coming–my favorite time for fresh starts–and I’m looking hard at how I move through life and how I can be better and do more. I’m trying to declutter, get organized, etc.
New Hampshire:
Boots!
On the organization front here’s a gross grey cloud with a shiny silver lining: We suffered a horrifying infestation of pantry moths in late August, and while repulsive, the experience forced a very thorough deep-cleaning, organizing, and purging of the pantry. It’s now mostly devoid of food, so as we head into fall I’m going to try to be more thoughtful in what I bring in and how I use it to avoid waste. (Ugh, we threw out so much food. Blargh.)
Sending you a virtual hug, or feel good vibes, and happy thoughts. Happy, almost fall and welcome back to blogging!
I think what you are describing is how soooooo many women feel the first year of their first baby’s life. It’s so hard, and it is really lonely a lot of the time. And then you feel so guilty for not loving every second. I have a 2 year old and I have to say it for me it got better every month after one, but it got dramatically better after 18 months. One tip, you may already know this, but there’s a great indoor playground, http://indooroutdoorplayground.com/, hopefully that will help you survive the winter! Good luck! -Kate
Hi Kate! Found your blog via Katy Elliot. I love it! I am dying for the risotto pancakes you posted awhile back!
Kate- I love your blog and read this one through the one at Fit Pregnancy, where we’ve chatted a couple of times. I hope this fall does bring you a fresh start- I agree with Kate that a lot of mothers feel this way! I work outside the home 40 hours a week and there are times in the morning where I’m looking forward to taking my son to daycare so I can have a break- at work! It feels horrible to admit, but I think all moms struggle to keep up with all their responsibilities, not feel guilty and actually squeeze some fun for themselves in there as well. Love the boots!
It ain’t easy (but it definitely gets easier). 🙂